My husband and I have been foster parents for about 10 years now. We’ve been very blessed and sometimes very challenged by all that comes along with that.  Our relatively calm life quickly became loud and crazy and busier than we ever dreamed possible. We were overtaken by mess , confusion and busyness. It made for really long days and sleepless nights as we just never seemed to be able to catch up and get ahead of the storm that was now our family. We quickly realized that if we didn’t put some systems into place that my husband and I were going to eventually lose our minds.

I didn’t want to have to always be yelling, and constantly correcting. I was so tired of running around trying to figure out who made the mess, who didn’t clean up, and who didn’t put their dishes away. I didn’t want to have to be constantly telling the children what to do or how to do it. I wanted to give my kids tools to help themselves. I wanted to be able to breathe, and make life easier for all of us.

We had a light bulb moment when we realized that our kids were constantly seeking our favour. We always knew that, but we never really did anything to encourage it. No matter the age of your kids, they want you, as their parents to be proud of them. By giving kids simple tools, like color coding, chore charts, routines, you’re actually giving them power. There is freedom in knowing what is yours, where it goes, when to be there and what is expected. There is a lot of fear in the unknown, so take those fears away, and teach them well.  It took a while for us to figure it out, but after practicing these things for quite a few years, we’ve found a nice happy medium.  Somewhere right smack dab in the middle of calm and crazy.

So, here it is, a little piece of our “Keep Mom & Dad Sane” list. I’m happy to report that these few things have kept many a child happy, healthy and alive.  )  Hopefully, they’ll make a difference in your world as well.

1. Make a list of Unbreakable Rules. Discuss them with the kids and reinforce them. This lets everyone know exactly where you stand as parents, and what lines should not be crossed. For us, it’s this. No lying, No stealing, No hitting, No swearing, Knock before entering & Be kind. If these rules aren’t followed, there are consequences. Sometimes it’s nothing beyond a good family chat, but it is not ignored or brushed off, ever.  You can adjust this list to any age and update it as they grow. If you start it early, it’s a really easy one to keep up.
2. Hang a towel bar in your child’s bedroom, and assign a different color of towel to each child. We pick out towels that match their bedrooms and theme so it doesn’t look funny hanging there all the time. This is a great way to ensure that you don’t end up with 14 towels strewn about your bathroom at any given time. And if perchance you find a soggy wet towel lying on the floor, or in the middle of the hallway, you know exactly who it belongs to.
3. Assign a different “color” to each of your kids. We apply this whenever we can. Dishes, file folders, lunch kits, coat hooks, etc., etc.  It really does make things so much easier when you can tell whose stuff is who’s’. It’s also super handy on a calendar. I can tell when each kid has something going on, just with a simple glance. It also saves me on doing lots of extra dishes. One cup comes out in the morning, and it gets reused all day. It also completely stops the blame game as no one can say that’s not mine, when it so obviously is.
4. Make a seating arrangement for your vehicle. Depending on the number of kids you have, this may not be a huge deal. But if you’ve got more than two, and once they’re out of car seats, it’s going to become an issue. Trust me. At our house, the kids take turns rotating around the vehicle. After a couple of weeks, they figured out the order and I no longer have to listen to, “he sat there last time or I want the window”. It’s so nice, and I no longer have the urge to pull over and throw someone out on the highway.
5. Make a routine and follow it. At first, it’s hard to do but once you adjust, your kids will thrive. It helps them a lot as they always know “what comes next”.  At our house, you come home from school and get to do whatever you want until supper. After supper, you do your chores. Once those are done, you must do homework. If you don’t have homework, you get to read for half an hour. (Start “homework” time way before school even starts; it will make real homework a much easier sell). Once that’s over, it’s playtime.  Bedtime starts with a snack, then 3o minutes in your room doing anything, and then lights out. If you’ve got an evening activity, the order gets changed a bit, but generally, it’s always more or less the same. 100% without question, the kids are calmer and more settled when there is a routine. For younger ones, you can actually make picture flow-charts showing each step in a specific activity. It really is a calming and empowering thing. Really.
6. Don’t make your kids share everything they own. It’s okay for kids to have their own special toys, dolls, games, etc.  Do you share all of your “best” stuff with friends? Why do we make our kids do that? In our home, your bedroom is your own. The only people that are allowed in without question are Mom & Dad. Everyone else is by invite only. When we started this, our kids all breathed a sigh of relief. They deserve a space of their own, a safe place and a place to breathe.
7. Let your kids make choices, but control the number of things they get to choose from. We give a maximum of 3 choices, but usually two. Chocolate or Vanilla, Red or Blue, Eat this or Go Hungry, etc., etc. Frankly, this one is more for my sanity than anything. If you don’t mind things taking forever to happen, this just may not matter to you. For me, when I’ve got 4-6 kids not being able to make up their minds, I go batty. Also, some kids get very overwhelmed by lots of choices; you may actually be doing them a favour by offering less.
8. Have family meetings. We make a point of doing it almost every night as a way of connecting. We either play a little question game at supper. (Tabletop cards that you can buy in stores). Or we sit in the living room and chat. It’s amazing how easily kids will open up and share when given the opportunity. We laugh A LOT, we have deep conversations, and we touch on subjects that would never come up otherwise. It’s really worth doing. If your kids are young, you can still sit as a family and play a game, or do a puzzle and just talk. Life lessons really can be taught while you play Hi-Ho-Cherry-O.
9. Have Fun. We really do let our kids run amuck a lot. We are a very loud and goofy family. We laugh and scream and play.  But the kids all know that when Mama says enough, it’s enough. Yes, we still have really bad moments, but they’re moments now and not days. Life is good.

We’ve had the opportunity to parent children at many different ages. We’ve had to deal with teenagers that were never parented. We’ve worked through situations with children that were never taught how to properly express themselves. Please trust me when I say this, teach your children about expectations and routine when they are young. Their teachers, their bosses and they themselves will thank you one day.

April is a mom of 4 and owner of Bumblebee Kids based in Sherwood Park, AB. Thanks April for sharing your story and tips with us.